Lets All Laugh At..........
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  ..Lets All Laugh At...........  
 

Sheepshaggers

 Arnold the Derby fan is walking his dog one day, when he sees an old lamp. He bends down to pick it up, and starts to rub it to clean it. Suddenly, a genie appears, and says, "I am the economy-price genie?" I grant but one wish". Arnold thinks for a while, and then says, "Make my dog Wanchope, win Crufts." The genie looks at Wanchope and says, "Don't be stupid, look at the thing. It's mangy, it's got fleas, it's got a bit missing from one eat it limps and it smells. I might be a genie, but I'm not a miracle worker." "All right then," says Arnold, "Make Derby County win the Premier League." The genie stops for a moment, then says, "Let's have another look at that dog again.

Two Derby fans are walking along. One of them picks up a mirror, looks in it and says, "Hey I know that bloke." The second one picks it up and says, "Of course you do, you thick git - its me!"

A reporter from Central News East is interviewing Jim Smith and Dave Basset. He first asks Jim what his long term plans for Derby are. Jim replies, "Well, I see us becoming a good, average Premiership team, who don't even get involved in relegation issues." The reporter then puts the same question to Harry, who answers, "I think that once we secure promotion we will be able to mount a successful challenge to the Premier League title. Once in Europe, we will carry off the European cup for the next five years." "Don't you think that's a little bit optimistic, Dave?" asks the interviewer, to which our Harry replies, "Well Jim started it."

Jim Smith was getting worried that all his players were hopeless, so he phoned up a decent manager to ask for advice. Dave Bassett explained that he got all the Forest players to dribble round cones, thus improving their close ball control. He suggested Jim try this. Two weeks later, Dave rang back to see how the Derby players were coping with the new system. When he answered the phone though Smith was still browned off. "Didn't my suggestion work?" Asked Harry. "Bloody cones! They beat us 3-0" muttered Smith.

Arnold, the Derby fan is sent to Hell for his sins (bestiality mostly). There he meets the Devil, who asks him, "How art thou finding the eternal damnation of Hades?" "Not too bad really," says Arnold. "It's certainly warmer than Derbyshire in February, quite pleasant really" Satan is very upset that anyone should actually enjoy Hell, so he orders his demons to turn down all the heating, until it is so cold that the very air freezes. He then goes to seek out Arnold who is smiling broadly. "What art thou doing?" asks Satan. "Is not the bitter cold chilling thy twisted soul to the bitter core?" "Yes," admits Arnold, "But I'm still happy, because this weather can only mean one thing: Derby have at last won the Premier League!"

Q. What's the best thing to come out of Derby?
A. The A52

What do you call a Derbyshire man in the quarter / finals of the cup? Answer... The Referee

Q. What do you call a sheep tied to a lamppost in Derby?
A. A leisure centre.

Sh*t on the Villa

How does Stan Collymore change a lightbulb?
He holds it in the air, and the world revolves around him

The seven dwarves are down in the mines when there is a cave-in. Snow White runs to the entrance and yells down to them. In the distance a voice shouts out "Villa are good enough to win the European Cup." Snow White says "Well at least Dopey's alive!"

A man desperate at Villa's current situation decides to top himself. In his living room, alone, he prepares to hang himself. At the very last moment, he decides upon wearing his full Villa kit as his last statement. A neighbour, catching sight of the impending incident, informs the police. On arrival, the police quickly remove the Villa kit and dress the man in stockings and suspenders. The man, totally confused asks why. The policeman simply replies, "it's to avoid embarrassing your family."

Gregory was wheeling his shopping trolley across the supermarket car park when he noticed an old lady struggling with her bags of shopping. He stopped and asked, "Can you manage dear?" to which the old lady replied, "no way you got yourself into this mess, don't ask me to sort it out!"

CovScum

Gordon Strachan is walking into the Building Society and just as he gets in, he walks slap bang into an armed robber making a gettaway with some swag.

The robber clocks Strachan, knocks him out with the back end of his shotgun and makes a speedy exit. Gordon comes round a couple of minutes later a little the worse for wear.

'Where am I?' he mumurs.

'You're OK Gordon, you're in the Nationwide', replies the spotty assistant manager.

'Blimey,' Gordon snorts, getting up quickly, 'is it June already'.

... and Gordon decides, cos of the shock of the hold-up, he'd better get home sharpish and have a whisky or two to settle himself down. Keen to beat the rush hour traffic, Gordon puts his foot down and speeds off along the fast lane. Moments later, the traffic police pull him over.

The officer asks the highly strung ginga fella for his documents. Clocking that its the famous Mr Strachan, the officer decides to take pity on the flame- haired shell-suited under-achiever.

'Its alright Gordon, consider yourself on a final warning, next time we'll have to book you' the officer explained.

Gordon looks less than pleased with the caution, puts his head in his hands and begins to sob softly.

'Whats the matter?' the bewildered officer enquires.

Gordon looks up with a tear in his eye and meekly squeals 'Just what is it I have to do to get 3 points'.

How many Coventry fans does it take to change a light bulb?

20,002: 1 to change the light bulb, 20,000 to moan about it and Gordon Strachan to say that if the referee had done his job properly, the light bulb wouldn't have needed changing in the first place.

Notts F£*$%&

Railtrack have decided to start sponsoring Forest. They think they are a suitable team because of their regular points failures.

Two men fishing on a river bank in a remote area of Somerset on a Saturday afternoon miles away from a radio or tv, suddenly one man turns to the other and says "F£$*%& have lost again", the other man was astonished and said "how on earth do you know that ?" The other man replied "It's quarter to five."

One NF fan says to his mate, 'What would you do if you won the lottery?' 'Easy! I'd buy a controlling interest in Forest" says the mate. 'Yeah, but what if you got FOUR numbers up?'

Young niteclubbers were amazed to see Martin O'Neill and John Robertson out one night early last week enjoying a pint together. Apparently, one young lady approached O'Neill and said "will you give me your autograph?" "Of course" replied O'Neill "Sign here then," she said and lifted here skirt "on me leg here". So Martin signed, just above her knee where she pointed. Her friends weren't to be outdone by this so the second one said "Me too Martin, sign here" she promptly lifts up her t-shirt. O'Neill of course being a gent duly obliges. The third one then whips off her knickers, points and says "Sign here" showing Martin exactly where to sign his name "Sorry," said O'Neill "but only Ron Atkinson signs twats !"oung niteclubbers were amazed to see Martin O'Neill and John Robertson out one night early last week enjoying a pint together. Apparently, one young lady approached O'Neill and said "will you give me your autograph?" "Of course" replied O'Neill "Sign here then," she said and lifted here skirt "on me leg here". So Marin signed, just above her knee where she pointed. Her friends weren't to be outdone by this so the second one said "Me too Martin, sign here" she promptly lifts up her t-shirt. O'Neill of course being a gent duly obliges. The third one then whips off her knickers, points and says "Sign here" showing Martin exactly where to sign his name "Sorry," said O'Neill "but only Ron Atkinson signs twats !"

A couple are in the throes of a divorce, and are attending court over the custody of their young son. In order to properly assess the situation, the judge takes the young lad into chambers:-"Would you like to live with your mother?" asks the judge "No" says the lad, " she hits me" "Would you like to live with your father?" asks the judge "No" says the lad again, " he hits me too!" "Well who would you like to live with?" asks the judge "I'd like to live with Nottingham Forest Football Club" says the lad "Nottingham Forest Football Club!" exclaims the judge, hardly believing his ears "Why on earth would you possibly want to live with Nottingham Forest Football club?" he asks. "Cos they never beat anybody!!!"

The City Ground celebrations were underway on Wednesday when it was announced that groundsman Steve Welch and his team had won the National Groundsman of the Year award. They beat off competition from the other divisional winners - Arsenal, Reading and Macclesfield at a FA lunch in Windsor. Steve said: "I came here from Leicester because I knew I'd have an easy job here. There's so much shit out there on Saturday afternoons the pitch takes care of itself."

Is there a team you hate? Maybe you want to give those shaggers at Derby a roasting or what about Forest? Well now you can have your chance. Just email [email protected] with your piss take and we will stick it up here.

Here's a recent one about Dickov...

Ronaldo, Luis Figo and Paul Dickov are standing before God at the throne of Heaven. God looks at them and says;

“Before granting you a place at my side, I must first ask you what you believe in.“

Addressing Ronaldo first he asks,

“What do you believe?“

Ronaldo looks God in the eye and states passionately,

“I believe Football to be the food of life. Nothing else brings such unbridled joy to so many people from the slums of Rio to the bright lights of Madrid. I have devoted my life to bring such joy to people who stood on the terraces supporting their club.“

God looks up and offers Ronaldo the seat to his left. He then turns to Luis Figo ,

“And you, Luis , what do you believe?“

Figo stands tall and proud,

“I believe courage, honour and passion are the fundamentals to life and I've spent my whole playing career providing a living embodiment of these traits.“

God, moved by the passion of the speech offers Figo the seat to his right. Finally, he turns to Paul Dickov ,

“And you, Paul , what do you believe?“

“I believe“ says Dickov “you're sitting in my seat.“

 
   
   
     
     
   
Man Utd Jokes

There's so many Man Utd jokes out there that we had to create this special section just for them.

Top tip for Manchester United fans: don't waste money on expensive new kits every season. Simply strap a large inflatable penis to your forehead, and everyone will immediately know which team you support.

Q. What do you get if you see a Manchester United fan buried up to his neck in sand?
A. More sand.

Q. How many Manchester United fans does it take to change a light bulb?
A. (I) Three. One to change the light bulb, one to buy the "1999 light bulb changing" commemorative t-shirt and video, and one to drive the other two back to Torquay.
A. (II) Who cares, so long as it comes out in 4 different versions (£49.99 each), and changes twice every season?

Q. Which three league teams have swear words in their names?
A. Scunthorpe United, Arsenal and f**king Manchester United.

Sir Alex gets a distressed phone call from Becks one night.
"What's up david?"
"Posh has gone away"cries Becks" and she's left me this jigsaw to do for Brooklyn and I can't do it. It's supposed to be a chicken and I can't sort it out."

Sir Alex can't afford to have his player upset so he gets in the car and goes round to Becks house As he goes inside he hears uncontrollable wailing coming from the kitchen. There's Beckham sobbing on the floor surrounded by the offending pieces.
"David," says Fergie kindly, "put the cornflakes away..."

David Beckham has gone crazy believing his wife Posh has been having an affair on him. In his rage, he goes out and buys a gun. He rushes home to confront his wife, and finds her in bed with none other than Roy Keene. Devistated, Beckham takes out the gun and points it at his own head. "No, David don't do it." Posh cries jumping up from her spot underneathe the covers. "I'm sorry and I know we can work this out." "Shut up and sit back." Beckham replies. "You're next."

 
More Man Utd Jokes

Beckham, Keane and Ferguson are all trapped on the roof of a burning building. The Fire Brigade duly arrive and hold out the big blanket for the guys to jump onto.

They are understandably all a bit nervous but, being a brave lad and the club captain, Keane goes first. At the last second, the firemen whip the blanket away. Keane splats on the pavement, dead. Still giggling, the firemen shout to Ferguson to go next. He jumps, they move the blanket, he makes a pancake on the pavemant, high fives all around from the firemen. Last to go is Beckham. But he's not having any of it....

"You'll move the blanket" he shouts.
"No we won't" they reply. "It's no good, I don't trust you. You'll move the blanket again" shouts Becks.
"Come on, jump you fool" they shout.
"Well, alright" he replies. "But I'm not jumping until you put the blanket down and move away from it......"

And yet more...

From The Official MUFC Maths Workbook, which covers sums for practising Key Stage Two maths for 7-11 year olds. This has been introduced as part of the Government's maths campaign.

1. Roy is 78 yards away from the referee at Old Trafford and David is 65 > yards away. If Roy can run at 21mph and David can run at 16mph, who will be sticking their vein-bulging forehead into the hapless whistler's face first, assuming Roy does not stop to stamp on an opponent on his way

2. If one minute of time is taken up in a game for substitutions and one minute for injuries, how much injury time will be added on by the referee if Man Utd are losing at home?

3. Ryan is a Welshman. Express, as a percentage, the number of internationals he has missed on a Wednesday evening compared to the miraculous recoveries he made for the following Saturday.

4. Phil Neville has 30 international caps. If you take away the number of appearances when he was the only adult male in England who could just about kick the ball with his left foot, how many are left?

6. You are the referee at Old Trafford. How near to a visiting defender does a tumbling United forward have to be to earn a penalty if he goes down in the box? (Note; Round your answers down to the nearest 20 yards.)

7. Mark "The Red" lives in Guildford. How much does it cost for him and his two sons to travel to the Theatre of Silence every other weekend, including limited edition matchday programme, a few drinks and prawn sandwiches all round? How much could he save per week if he watched his local team instead? (Note; round your answers down to the nearest thousand pounds).